That Rattlesnake Smile (Reira)

[Matrim Gallagher]

Matrim had been toughening himself up. Training, making sure ever part of him was a bit better. His arms, all other injuries he had sustained over time. And in his training he found that he often wanted to fight, to cause destruction. He didn't know the person he was turning into, perhaps too much time spent in this town, or too much time spent in general away from the people he had always cared about. Everything just seemed like it needed to change, like there was a hole inside of him that needed filling.

Several students were fighting outside behind one of the buildings, Matrim heard the fighting going on and went to inspect it, three kids in front of him as he interrupted.

"No fighting on-"

"Shut up! You're not so tough!" Said guy number one.

"-school grounds you guys know better-"

"Get lost fucktard!" Said guy number two.

"-than that. So just stop fighting-"

"We said get lost!" Said guy number three.

"-or I will tear your neck out-"

"Get him!" Yelled guy number one.

"-with my teeth." Matrim finished, and the first guy was gripped by Matrim, who didn't let go of the guys throat as he pulled and scratched. The second guy however came in from Matrim's right, landing a punch on Matrim's cheek. Matrim's left hand lowered the first guys feet to the ground for a few seconds, as the third guy came straight at Matrim and attempted to headbutt him. Matrim used the first guy as a weapon, smashing his head against the side of Mr. I'm-going-to-headbutt-you. Both fighters were knocked out. The guy who punched Matrim in the face was bouncing back and forth on the balls of his feet in a weird boxing stance.

Matrim waited for the guy to do something, but it appears he was a reactive fighter from the looks of it, even if he punched Matrim in the face. "Well come on then, I don't have all-" The guy threw a quick jab, but Matrim was quicker. Grabbing the guys wrist he made a semi-circle motion with his left foot, pulling the guy towards him, and bringing the guys arm against his shoulder as he pulled down on it, hurling the guy over his shoulder and into the wall of the building. The guy was knocked unconscious rather easily, since the back of his head met the building first.

Matrim dragged one of the unconscious bodies onto one of the others and sat on them, taking a break, looking down at his hands which were slightly bloody.

"How long is this going to last...." He asked himself, but suddenly realized that he was not the only conscious person in the area.

[Reira DeMorvick]

So, this was her new school. Walking among the halls she examined it, not really thinking much of the place at all. Sure it was nice and the atmosphere was great but nothing had any meaning to her anymore. All the purpose in her life was gone. Reira was pretty well living on chance right now, hoping that something would appear in her life that she could concentrate on. Anything to help her forget about Matrim. Even if it was bad. The thought of him was like a poison that was slowly corroding her mind and body.

I don’t understand…how could someone just…hate a person so quickly? Did I mean that little to you Matrim? Was I not good enough?

With an emotionless expression on her face, Reira continued to travel through the school. She didn’t really know where she was going, her thoughts clouded her mind too much…so she let her feet do all the walking. Taking a random turn to her left, she found herself outside, the sunshine stinging her eyes momentarily. Heh. The sun was shining but she never felt warm. Was she really that empty? Could she never by happy again without the help of alcohol! Brow furrowing slightly, she took another turn, but froze in her tracks.

I guess if you want something bad enough…it’ll happen.

Matrim in the flesh, stood before her. It was no surprise he was violently kicking the shit out of some other people. No surprise at all. Still, if she wanted to see him so bad, why did she feel the sudden urge to walk away? Oh right, he didn’t want her anymore, so why grace him with her presence? Fuck that. Just like always, that familiar anger bubbled within her. She wished it would just diminish already. Hell, she wished all her feelings towards him would just magically disappear.

Though she was confused about whether she wanted to talk to him or not, her legs continued to walk towards him and his throne of bodies. What a king he was. An unknown look on her face, she passed him. Yes, passed him, her eyes remaining on the ground that was before her. But she did say one small thing. She said it in such a cold but soft, cool way, that she hardly recognized her own voice.

“….weak…”

He’d know what she was talking about.

[Matrim Gallagher]

It was her, but he was sober. Maybe it was the fight that somehow brought to life the image of Reira. That somehow his subconscious was playing games. But he could tell by how she walked, it was really her. Matrim froze, he would normally panic. He was mixed with feelings of joy, guilt, sorrow, but a little bit of relief. Seeing her, knowing that she was alright. Something about that just seemed, well, surreal. But still, seeing her amplified every emotion he had previously felt. His eyes lowered to the ground as he sat on those bodies, just sort of made him feel like a gang banger or something. Like some trouble maker, and as she passed she said something, and it hit him.

It hit him hard.

“….weak…”

She continued to pass, he couldn't bring himself to say anything. His mouth open in shock, his eyes completely wide. It was as if a sword had been run through his chest. In fact, he'd almost prefer the sword to the feeling in his stomach at that exact moment. It felt horrible. Remembering all the things he had put her through, the crap he had given her for what happened with the elevator, all of it. It was just, a lot to take in.

"......." He motioned as if he was going to speak, his breathing sped up, his heart raced. He was panicking, but he didn't bolt. Instead he found the courage to speak, "You're... you're absolutely right about me..." He said. Not getting up from his bloodied throne right away. Trying to get the feeling back in his legs, he pushed off of one of the unconscious bodies heads, rising to stand. He turned towards her as he was standing. Blood coming from his mouth where he had been punched, his knuckles scraped up a bit. He was a mess.

"It was just... so much to... I have no excuse, I'm sorry... I'll just... I'll just leave you be," He turned away from her, he didn't know what to do or say. He imagined there wasn't anything for him to do or say.

[Reira DeMorvick]

It felt as if time slowed for that one moment. That one precious moment where she saw the look on his face from the word she spoke so coldly. It was such a depressing look, full of grief and regret. It killed her. All this time she wished he’d suffer for what he did to her, but he already was. Even though she knew he deserved to be feeling this way, she couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. She still cared. She didn’t want to see him like this. Him being happy with Sara would be better than this. No matter how ‘strong’ she made herself seem to the whole ordeal, Reira still loved him…but this time, salvaging anything seemed slim.

A faint sigh escaped her lips and she continued to walk away from him. It was okay if he didn’t say anything. She almost wished he didn’t…then she could walk away knowing she at least saw him one last time. But the pain in her chest was just dying for him to stop her. Her pace slowed.

"You're... you're absolutely right about me...It was just... so much to... I have no excuse, I'm sorry... I'll just... I'll just leave you be."

Her back still towards him, she came to a dead stop. Not like this. Things couldn’t be settled like this. There had to be a reason why he did it. He had to give her something more then just that. It didn’t settle with her. Even if he told her it was because he just didn’t love her anymore, it would be better then having no excuse. At least then it would tell her that there really was nothing left between them and she could move on.

“Wait. There has to be a reason. I..I know it was more then just the drug. Please, just give me a reason…anything.”

Her hands would reach to the chain around her neck. Safely looped through this chain was the ring. Grasping the ring in her closed fist she pulled and the chain snapped off her neck. The ring shined in the sun as she held it out to her side.

“I think you should keep this.”

Even though the ring was her mothers, her mom didn’t give it to her. It was Matrim. She had a lot of things to remember her mother by…but this ring just wasn’t one of them anymore. This ring represented Matrim and their dying flame. She couldn’t handle that constant reminder.

[Matrim Gallagher]

“Wait. There has to be a reason. I..I know it was more then just the drug. Please, just give me a reason…anything. I think you should keep this.” He reached over from where he was sitting and grabbed the necklace from her. He strung it around his neck, suddenly feeling the weight of it all as he thought about the question. A lot of it was that drug, but there was something there, like a physical attraction.

"I'm not going to lie and say there's nothing there, there is. It's nowhere near my love for you, doesn't even stand close to it. The drug amped it up, it exaggerated those feelings one time. She ran off that day before anything happened. Since then, the after effects, I'm an addict. I... I needed you, but I figured you didn't want me with you. And I know you don't want me now, so that's why..."

He trailed off, "You... you dont' want to hear that. It's all my fault, I did this. I fucked this up, but... " He didn't know what he wanted to say, "I'm sorry I hurt you, I love you and I never wanted to hurt you... I just knew I couldn't lie to you... do you... do you think if I had lied... no. No I don't think I could have lied to you..."

Not after everything we've gone through...

[Reira DeMorvick]

She felt him take the ring from her, the chain of the necklace sliding effortlessly though her spread fingers. It was like she was giving him a piece of herself when she let go of the ring. The heavy burden of the ring held her down. Maybe now, she could finally become that new person. A person without Matrim.

Can I even do that? He was all I ever knew…

Pushing those sort of thoughts out of her mind, she wrapped her arms around herself. Reira was never warm. Looking back at him slightly, she held back her nerves to make eye contact as he spoke to her. God those eyes, she would never be able to forget them…

There she stood and listened, each word he spoke bringing back that terrible pain.

“You thought I didn’t want you? And that’s what made it alright to sleep with her…” She had to swallow the lump in her throat. “Why the hell would you think that? It’s hard enough for me to walk away from you now and we’re not even together…god Matrim, I have never not wanted to be with you before. Sure I have my days, but it always came back to you. I‘ve always loved you.”

"I'm sorry I hurt you, I love you and I never wanted to hurt you... I just knew I couldn't lie to you... do you... do you think if I had lied... no. No I don't think I could have lied to you..."

At this point in time she turned away from him again, her shoulders slightly raised as she still hugged herself. How could he say he loved her now? She didn’t believe it. She felt no ‘love’ when he said it now. Taking in a breath she didn’t know she was holding, she couldn’t stop the tears. She was only crying lightly, nothing she couldn’t cover up by wiping them away with her sleeve.

“I wish you had lied….then maybe I'd…still be happy.”

[Matrim Gallagher]

“You thought I didn’t want you? And that’s what made it alright to sleep with her… Why the hell would you think that? It’s hard enough for me to walk away from you now and we’re not even together…god Matrim, I have never not wanted to be with you before. Sure I have my days, but it always came back to you. I‘ve always loved you.”

He wanted to get mad. Angry at her twisting his words to make him out to be the bad guy. But he realized that he was the bad guy no matter how you spun this. If he was expecting her to pity him, to sympathize with him, hell even to forgive him, he knew it couldn't happen. Some things just couldn't be taken back, and this was one of those things. “I wish you had lied….then maybe I'd…still be happy.”

He had always wondered this, if he had lied would they be happy. Her saying it was too much, it was entirely too much. He didn't know if he ever should be forgiven. He didn't know if Reira should seek out vengeance. He didn't know if he had ever been a good man. Seeing her cry was painful enough, he wanted to hug her, to apologize and hold her. She probably didn't want him touching her, "I meant why I told you and broke up with you... was because you wouldn't want me anymore... She isn't someone I have those type of feelings for, it was..." He thought about it. It was something he knew inside himself, but he would never admit to Sara herself, "It was a big mistake. And I wronged you so much...."

He wouldn't cry. It was Matrim we were talking about after all, he could hold in tears. He wasn't some wuss. He wasn't some Luke. The kind of guy who would put an old flame out of his mind with... alcohol.. and... women.....

Jesus Christ I've become my father....

And that made a tear come from Matrim.

"I love you and I am so sorry I hurt you please just tell me how to make this right!" He said, he wanted to drop down and beg on his knees, but he wasn't that melodramatic. "Please... tell me how..."

[Reira DeMorvick]

Reira didn’t know what to do. All she wanted to know was why he did it…and now that she had her answer she was expecting more. But what more could he give her aside from the tears that fell from her eyes? Nothing. This was where she knew she had to walk away. All those days she had told herself that once she heard his explanation she would walk away…she couldn’t. There was just a strong feeling in her that was telling her to stay and another one that was telling her to leave. She was confused.

"I meant why I told you and broke up with you... was because you wouldn't want me anymore... She isn't someone I have those type of feelings for, it was...It was a big mistake. And I wronged you so much...."

He was right. It was a big mistake. A mistake that he would pay for. As much as it killed her, she knew that if she took him back now it would never be the same. If she kissed him again, she’d feel a different kiss. Everything would just be different in a horrible way. Any physical embrace they would share now would remind her of him wrapping his arms around another woman. It would be no comfort…

“…you used her…”

She didn’t know much about Sara, so she didn’t have a right to judge her, but she couldn’t help but feel a small amount of sympathy towards her. Before, when she first found out about Matrim cheating on her she quite honestly wanted to ‘rip the bitches head off’ but since then she had calmed down. Sara was no longer an obstacle to confront, she was just a bump in the road. All the best wishes to her. Rei’s only focus now was Matrim.

"I love you and I am so sorry I hurt you please just tell me how to make this right! Please... tell me how..."

Through her stubborn silent weeping, Reira clenched her fists in anger. She wished he could just stop saying he loved her! What was worst was how he was asking her an impossible question to answer. Wiping her eyes gently, she turned and faced him.

“Stop it! Don’t say that! Obviously you didn’t love me enough Matrim!” Her voice was stern, but it soon changed to a soft whisper. “I don’t know…I don’t know anymore…how can you fix something like this? You can’t…I just…could you just…hug me?”

If he did, perhaps she’d get to feel if his hug was really all that different.

[Matrim Gallagher]

“Stop it! Don’t say that! Obviously you didn’t love me enough Matrim!”

He looked away from her, closing his eyes. He did, and that's why it had hurt so much. He had screwed up, twice. And he couldn't take it back now.

“I don’t know…I don’t know anymore…how can you fix something like this? You can’t…I just…could you just…hug me?”

He looked up at her slightly confused. He didn't know if he could, if he should. But he would, just because he wanted her in his arms. So he would slowly approach her. his left arm would go gently to her back, his right hand up softly and gently towards the back of her head, gently laying her head against his chest. His head tilted against hers, his own tear streaming down his face, and onto hers. He didn't say anything, just held her. He didn't want to anger her, he didn't want to say the wrong thing, so he didn't. His voice would come out cracked and ruin the hug. He wouldn't say anything other then what he had already been saying this whole time.

Reira... I love you so much.... I wish I knew what to say..... what to do.... how to un-do what I did to you....

He was holding her like she was a priceless object, being gentle, and soft. But definitely affectionate. He loved her, and he missed her. All he wanted, was for everything to just go back. For him to find a way to fix all of this.

[Reira DeMorvick]

Reira didn’t really know what came over her to tell him to do such a thing. When she first felt him touch her she flinched. It had just been so long since she last saw him…and when he held her in his arms, her head resting on his chest, it was just too much. The pain of missing him, the pain of knowing what he did…and now he was hugging her? No…no. She placed her hands on his stomach and was about to push away from him, when she felt his tear roll off her cheek.

She stopped all her struggling. Her hands fell limp at her sides. It was sickening. No matter what he did to her, no matter how much hurt he’d put her through, she would always feel safe in his arms. She couldn’t deny that now. She could feel how much he loved her. This was Matrim. Her heart couldn’t let go of him. Thoughts of losing him were out of the question…but she was, wasn’t she? This would be their last embrace.

Her eyes beginning to blur, she slowly hugged him back. At first gently, but then she was holding onto him tightly. Her face buried into his collar bone. She missed him. She missed his scent, his warmth, everything…then she cried. Reira had been bottling her emotions up for the longest time. It all came out now.

[Matrim Gallagher]

He wondered if she would stop the hug or push away, but she embraced him. Reira was the only one to see him in such a horrible state, and he had seen her in her worst and best times as well. In the end, there was no denying their connection. Especially when they were this close, no matter what happened between them. Still, Matrim had hurt her. He wondered if she would ever forgive him. She was crying now, hugging him tightly, and Matrim knew that she still loved him because of this. He felt it, he heard it somewhat even if it was in past tense.

He wanted to tell her he loved her, he wanted to tell her he'd do everything in his power to make it right again, to repair her feelings somehow. He wanted to tell her that he would earn back her trust, that he would get help with his problems. He wanted to tell her that he wanted her forgiveness, he wanted to kiss her. He wanted to pretend, to just go back and pretend like none of this ever happened. He even wanted to take her surfing, go see the sites, and just tell her everything that had been going on with him. All the stuff he hadn't told her. But in the end, he simply said the biggest thing weighing on him. The thing he wanted to say most.

"I miss you," He said. Not 'I've missed you', but 'I miss you'. The difference being of course, she still wasn't with him.

[Reira DeMorvick]

There were no more tears, but she didn’t want to let go of him. Not yet. Her embrace loosened slightly as she focused on her calming down. Her mind was spinning. She just didn’t know anymore. Yes, she wanted to be with Matrim. He was the only one…but he hurt her and there was only so much forgiving she could do. Maybe one day she could completely forgive him, but right now Reira would find no closure in that. Closure…that’s what she needed. It was all just so confusing. She didn’t know what to do anymore, all she could do was breathe.

“I miss you.”

Reira responded to this with a delicate sigh. If only he knew how much she missed him as well. Reira just wasn’t the same without Matrim beside her. It was like she changed into a whole different person when he left her and that was a person she didn’t like. Matrim brought out the best in her and he also proved he could bring out the worst. As much as she wanted him to fix this, she knew he couldn’t possibly. The only thing that would fix this now was time.

Breaking the embrace, she wiped her eyes and looked up at him.

“I know,” was all she could say. If she said what she wanted to, it would only make it harder on the both of them. “I just…need some space.” There was a slight pause, and then she took a few steps away from him. “Take care of yourself.” Turning around, she began to walk away from him.

“I love you…but things can change over time. I hope you’re happy with your decision.”

[Matrim Gallagher]

She broke the embrace, and he hung on to every word she said, “I know, I just…need some space. Take care of yourself.” She turned away, he didn't reach out to stop her. He would give her whatever she needed. Anything she wanted, it was hers. Space was what she wanted, and she wanted him to take care of himself. He probably couldn't do the second very well, he never could. He always managed to get into fights, especially when he wasn't in a good mood. Sure he wasn't exactly mad over this whole ordeal, but he might try to find some sort of exit from her. Fighting was a pretty big escape for him.

The ring only added to it too. The fact he would wear this constant reminder, this symbol of what he could have possibly destroyed. But it was also something bigger, it was a challenge. Something to overcome. He was going to prove to her that he could be trusted again. He was going to have to earn it back, but Matrim never refused a challenge. If he thought of this situation as a fighter, he wouldn't give up when he lost, he'd train and fight again. And that is exactly what he would do, figuratively speaking of course.

“I love you…but things can change over time. I hope you’re happy with your decision.” She said.

I'm happy with the fact you love me.... I'm saddened by the fact you're hurt, and I am not now or will I ever be happy with my decisions in recent past. But this one... this one I can be happy with.

"I love you too.... " He'd say. Unsure of what else to say, he turned to walk off, "I'm... take care of yourself too..... this place is safer then 259, but... take care of yourself."